Are You Too Independent? DBT in Philadelphia

DBT Therapy in Philadelphia- Are you an independence junkie?

For as long as you can remember, you’ve struggled in relationships.

You’ve learned from an early age that you can’t rely on others for anything. In fact, you’ve learned this very lesson from your family.

You can remember being on your school’s soccer team and having a fundraiser for new uniforms. When you asked your mom to help out, she initially complained, but ultimately, she agreed to help staff the fundraising table during an upcoming event. Since she never volunteered before, you felt ecstatic.

By her agreeing to help out, you felt supported and valued- that you mattered.

The time arrived for the fundraising event, and then it happened. You were left alone, standing at the booth, while having to make up excuses as to why your mom ghosted you.

It was embarrassing and left you feeling ashamed- that you didn’t matter.

This type of scenario happened so often over the course of your childhood that you realized you couldn’t count on anyone; people will ultimately let you down. You vowed at that moment, to never rely on anyone ever again.

“I don’t need anyone” became your motto.

As you got older, you continued to value ultimate independence. After all, you’ve been let down so many times that you reasoned that you can only count on yourself. You’re proud of the fact that you “don’t need anyone” because being dependent on other people only causes problems and gets in the way of your happiness. You’re proud of your uber independence.

While this has “worked” at times for you, the reality is that this view has created more problems than you’re willing to admit—especially when trying to form deep and meaningful relationships. 

Relationships have been hard for you.

People have complained that you “don’t let them in”, and you’d agree with that. You’ve relied on your motto, “I don’t need anyone” to guide you. In your attempts to form relationships, you welcome any opportunity to support or help someone out, and yet you refuse anyone doing the same for you.

So, you hide all of your problems, trying to convince yourself you “don’t need anyone” and consequently, your relationships suffer.

People complained that they don’t want to be in one-way relationships, so your attempts at forming long-term relationships fail. Yet you continue to keep everything inside, because, why would you risk being hurt? You can only count on yourself.

This has become your pattern, projecting ultimate independence, causing your resentment to fester and you remain feeling lonely, confirming what you’ve always believed---

That people will only disappoint and abandon you; that you can only count on yourself. Period.  

Will relationships always be so painful?

Is it true that you don’t need anyone else in your life in order to survive?

Let’s dig a bit deeper into this.

Dialectics in DBT

The dialectic of dependence versus independence.

Think about a mama bird and her baby. While the mama bird, the independent one, takes care of her baby, by flying off to find worms, the baby bird remains dependent. Now, let’s think dialectically. On one hand, the baby is dependent on its mother for food. AND, on the other hand, the mama bird is ALSO dependent on its environment for supplying the worms.

So… Mama Bird is both independent AND dependent. BOTH are true.

Just like the mother bird, every person is dependent on their environment. This includes our social environment. We are social creatures. We need relationships with others.

As much as you pride yourself on being completely independent, you also need others. 

In DBT, dialectics reminds us that everything and every person is connected in some way. So, that uber independence you’ve been sportin’ your whole life? It got you through growing up in a household that chronically let you down- it’s what was needed to survive your childhood from emotional suffering. Now, that mindset is no longer effective.

When you’re able to wrap your mind around interconnectedness, you learn that you are both independent AND dependent on others. You influence others just as they influence you.

Why does this matter?

Well, it matters when you struggle to make and hold onto relationships with others. It matters when you struggle with validating your own experiences.

It matters when you feel so lonely. It matters when you feel completely alone.

So, what do you do when you’re desperate to form meaningful relationships? Acknowledge that we all need others and are connected.

We are both independent and dependent. Both are true.

For relationships to work, you need to be both dependent on and independent of the other person. Bending over backward, sacrificing yourself for others’ needs, and refusing to accept help is NOT how to effectively form relationships.

The old age saying, “Treat others as you want them to treat you”, while sounding simplistic on the surface, is still true. You can’t expect to have one-sided relationships and expect them to last. You can’t expect people to want to be in a relationship with you if you abide by “do as I say, not as I do”.

Relationships are hard. They don’t have to be full of emotional pain and suffering.

There is hope. You are not destined to be alone forever.

Philadelphia DBT Therapy

If you are constantly afraid of rejection and fear being abandoned, Dialectical Behavior Therapy can help you find relief from the emotional pain relationships can cause. I know you’ve been hurt before and are scared of being hurt again. When in DBT therapy, you will learn how to develop long-lasting, meaningful relationships.

BPD Therapist in Philadelphia

As a DBT therapist, I specialize in Borderline Personality Disorder treatment and therapy for anxiety. If you’re tired of toxic relationships, debilitating anxiety, or panic, and want to live a life you actually want to be a part of, please reach out today.

You can schedule your own DBT consultation for BPD treatment and anxiety help HERE.