BPD and The Invalidating Environment

Philadelphia Dialectical Behavior Therapy: Examining Invalidation

Why am I like this? The Role of An Invalidating Environment On High Emotional Sensitivity and Impulsivity in Borderline Personality Disorder

You realized that you should know not to count on your sister for support or anyone else for that matter. No one seems to get it. Will no one ever get it; Get how emotionally painful shit is to you?  

You and your boyfriend broke up again, and this time, you think is final. It’s over. You don’t even know how the fight escalated that far. You and your beau planned for a romantic evening in- cooking together, some wine, and then settling down to stream a new Netflix movie. Things didn’t go as planned…

Not only did he arrive late, but he also forgot to stop at the grocery store, like he said he would. Instead of offering an apology, he immediately helped himself to the wine, while plopping himself on the couch, showing no intention to help figure out dinner.  

Did he even see you standing there, your face full of disappointment?

You started to cry and mumbled something about him not even caring. When he finally noticed you crying, he barely acknowledged how he’s the one who f*cked things up tonight. You felt so hurt by his lack of caring, that your sobs turned into one of those God-awful, “ugly cries”. He responded by saying, “Why are you so upset? We’ll just order take out”.  

Oh. My. God. How did he NOT see or know how much he hurt you?

You begin to scream and yell at him, accusing him of not loving you. Then he said, “What the f*ck is wrong with you? You are totally overreacting.”

That’s when you completely lost your shit.

You grabbed the nearby steak knife and cut your upper arm, drawing blood. “How can you not see how much you hurt me!” you screamed. He then grabbed his jacket, telling you, “You’re f*cking crazy. It’s over!”, slamming the door behind him.

You grab your phone and call your sister. As soon as you get her on the phone, you realize it was a mistake calling her. After you finished sobbing and telling her how awful the entire night was, she replied, “Well, you did overreact. I don’t understand why you get so upset over this type of stuff. Why didn’t you just order takeout as he suggested? Now, you’ll be lucky if he even talks to you again.”

What. The. F*ck. Just. Happened?

Your sister basically said the exact same shit that your beau, er… ex-beau, just said.

People don’t get it. They don’t get how much relationships hurt. 

You’ve tried to explain to people over and over again. They just don’t get it; get how painful things can be for you. It seems like they don’t want to understand either. It’s like they don’t give a damn about you or the pain you have.

High Emotional Sensitivity and Emotional Reactivity

A prior blog post HERE examined how some people are biologically more vulnerable to high emotional sensitivity. My last blog post HERE talked about how some people are more biologically prone to impulsivity.

When someone has a biological predisposition to high emotional sensitivity and to impulsivity, it can make it very difficult for them to regulate their emotions effectively. In addition, when that same person who is already biologically vulnerable to emotions AND can’t regulate them, is placed in a social environment that is invalidating, it can create a recipe for disaster.  

BPD and the role of an invalidating environment.

What is an invalidating environment?

Invalidation refers to communicating to you that your feelings, thoughts, and/or behavior doesn’t make any sense. It communicates to you that your experience is wrong. When an environment is invalidating, it punishes or even reinforces emotional expressions and displays, in addition to, attempts to avoid or ignore emotions. It can also even lead to increased emotional reactions. When you’re in an invalidating environment, you will most likely feel confused, misunderstood, often times leaving you unable to trust your own emotional experiences.

Characteristics of an invalidating environment.

1.     Intolerance toward expressions of private emotional experiences, particularly those not supported by observable public events.   

Being told that, “No one else is making a big deal about this, so just suck it up.”

2.     Intermittent reinforcement of extreme expressions of emotions, while simultaneously communicating that such emotions are unwarranted.

Being ignored when you’re in emotional pain, and then when someone does attend to you, they do so in a cold manner, communicating to you that your behavior is an inconvenience and annoyance.

3.     Communicating that specific emotions are invalid, weird, wrong, or bad.

As in, being told that having hurt feelings about something is “overreacting”.

4.     Communicating that painful emotions should be coped with without support.

Like, when you’re crying and then told, “If you’re going to keep doing that, I’m going to leave.”

5.     Not responding to emotions that call for a response or action.

For example, when someone notes that you’re upset (to the point of panic), that you can’t find that important document for a work presentation, but then not making any effort to help you locate it.

6.     Confusing one’s own emotions with the emotions of others.

As in, while at a party enjoying yourself and your friend decides, “I’m bored; we all need to leave.”  

Identifying an invalidating environment

Looking back at the situation above, are you able to identify the invalidating responses from the partner and the sister? I’m going to guess you can.

A word of caution-

As I’m writing this, I want to point out that many people who do invalidate, are often doing the best they can AND that the person being invalidated is also doing the best they can.

Here’s the thing. We all invalidate at times.

I want to recognize that we all invalidate at times. The problem becomes when you are consistently invalidated or are the one who persistently invalidates someone else. I think it’s fair to say that most people are not expecting perfection. With that being said, you need to be aware of how you communicate with others. In other words, what you say and how you say things is important, as well as, what you’re not saying or not doing.

People want to feel heard and understood. In order for relationships to be maintained and thrive, each person needs to know that what they feel, think and experience is important and deserves to be paid attention to. For relationships to be sustainable, each person needs to know that they matter.

Philadelphia BPD Therapist

As a DBT therapist, I specialize in borderline personality disorder treatment and therapy for anxiety. Dialectical Behavior Therapy can help people who struggle with intense emotions, debilitating anxiety, and emotional reactivity, learn how to effectively deal with their life’s problems, instead of doing things they later regret.

I know you don’t like being this way and I know you want to change, but don’t know how. You aren’t doomed to live a life of misery.

DBT Philadelphia

It is possible to create a life that’s worth living, that’s not controlled by out of control, painful emotions or behavior. You can break free from toxic relationships, learn to tolerate distress, and have more control of your life.

Dialectical Behavior Therapy can help you get out of hell. The first step is reaching out. My DBT consultations for anxiety treatment and BPD are free. You can schedule your therapy consultation HERE.