Love and BPD (Let's Take Another Look)

BPD Relationships

(*This blog post is an updated version of the original post from February 2021.)

February is known for Valentine’s Day. If you’re someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder, knows someone with BPD, or is currently in a relationship with a Borderline individual, chances are you’ve come across quite a bit of damning information on the internet about BPD and romantic relationships.

Symptoms of BPD & Stigma

While some of the articles out there are factual, they don’t necessarily paint a positive picture. I’m here today, as a DBT therapist to help cut through the bullshit of the myths that only prolong the stigma, and to also provide insight from the BPD perspective.

Are People with BPD Able to Love?

As a Philadelphia DBT therapist who specializes in BPD treatment, and truly enjoys helping those with BPD, I find this question so profoundly sad. A casual Google search on “BPD relationships” provides an extensive list of results for how Borderlines are “incapable of love”, “destroy relationships”, or that you should “avoid relationships with them”.

When you love someone with BPD

For those of you already in a relationship with someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder, one can understand how you might relate to these search results, and yet, the idea that Borderlines are “incapable of love” couldn’t be farther from the truth.

BPD Symptoms & BPD “Favorite Person”

The most profound symptom of BPD is emotion dysregulation.

Emotion dysregulation refers to an inability to manage emotions effectively and skillfully. Part of this is that BPD individuals are highly emotionally sensitive. Dr. Marsha Linehan made the comparison of Borderline individuals to people who have third-degree burns over most of their body, who “lacking emotional skin, they feel agony at the slightest touch or movement.”

So, in addition to being prone to emotional sensitivity, BPD individuals never really learned how to properly handle painful emotions and tend to view negative emotions as problems to be solved. What happens then, is that behavior is mood-dependent and reactive to those painful, negative emotions. For example, a Borderline individual may use a form of self-harm as a way to briefly find relief and “solve” her feelings of profound sadness and loneliness.

Another symptom of BPD is cognitive dysregulation.

While we all have unhelpful ways of thinking at times, someone with Borderline Personality Disorder will often view life in terms of “all or nothing”. In other words, they think in “extremes”, finding it almost impossible to see “shades of gray”. This can be seen in how Borderline individuals sometimes view their partners as “all good” or “all bad”, without any in-between.

So that means that since those with BPD tend to view things as “all or nothing” when you’re the “favorite person”, you can do no wrong; that is- until you do.

Most people can see the concept of “sometimes” in the context of relationships. It’s sometimes true that your partner will make mistakes or behave in ways you don’t like. Just like sometimes you will make mistakes or do things your partner doesn't like. It is also true that your partner can feel anger at you and still love you, while the same is true for you.

So, in terms of a BPD “Favorite Person”, you can probably get an idea of how this plays out. Emotion dysregulation, in combination with, “all or nothing” thinking, can be challenging to navigate.

BPD Relationship Cycle

Let’s say you’re currently in a relationship with someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder. Knowing what we know about BPD symptoms, we already know that your partner has trouble handling their emotions, and most likely thinks in extremes.

Trying to navigate a relationship when one or both of you have intense emotional experiences can be really hard. On one hand, when things are going well in your relationship, it can feel really amazing. If you’re on the receiving end of your partner’s love, caring, passion, or any other “good" or positive emotional expression, it can feel great.

On the other hand, if your partner’s experiencing a not-so-pleasant, or painful, negative emotion, such as anger, you may wish your partner didn’t experience emotions so intensely.

Add on the complexity of thinking in extremes of something being “all good” or “all bad”, you can probably imagine how devastating the situation can be.

What can a BPD relationship look like?

Here’s a common example of what could happen.

You and your partner have been really getting along and things have been going great. She’s been telling you how amazing you are and that she doesn’t know what she’d do without you. Since you haven’t gone out to dinner lately, you both decide to go out for dinner when your partner gets home from work.

While waiting for her to come home, you decide to take a quick nap so that way you’ll be rested for your date. When your girlfriend gets home, she sees you sleeping. You awake to her yelling, throwing things, and telling you to leave. You’re so confused!

Here’s the thing—

Conflict can be difficult for anyone.

Arguments or conflicts can be sticky, hurtful, and take time to get through all of the hurt feelings and heal re-opened wounds. Now, imagine how that would be for someone with BPD.

When someone who has BPD, gets into a disagreement with their partner, that partner who was their “favorite person” (the one who does no wrong) may find themselves at the receiving end of an angry storm.

What to Expect in Relationships with BPD?

When either you or your partner has Borderline Personality Disorder, navigating the complexities of your relationship can be difficult. It’s also true that navigating relationships when you don’t have BPD can be difficult.

Just like any relationship, your BPD relationship will have its share of hardships AND its share of awesomeness.

Make no mistake, people with BPD experience their emotions intensely which means they feel things deeply and passionately. So, if you find yourself falling for someone who has BPD, know that you may have a difficult road ahead of you AND it can also be a wonderful journey.

Love is hard. Intimate relationships are hard. When an individual in that relationship has BPD, there will be challenging times. There will be times when you’re not sure if it’s worth it and times when you want to fight to keep the relationship strong.

>>> Yes, Borderlines love. They feel love, anger, sadness, compassion, guilt, joy, and everything in between. <<<

Dialectical Behavior Therapy: Borderline Personality Disorder Treatment in Philadelphia, Lancaster, Harrisburg, York, and Lebanon, PA

If you’re wondering why relationships cause you so much emotional pain and don’t know how to cope, I can help. You are not doomed to a life of suffering alone. You can find relief from the debilitating anxiety, become less emotionally reactive, and create a life that’s worth living.

Your Philadelphia DBT Therapist

Don’t wait any longer. I offer free consultations for DBT therapy. You can call me at 717-685-5074 or click here, to book your own therapy consultation for Borderline Personality Disorder treatment.

If you’re someone who can relate to this or know someone who would, please share this post. You can learn more about Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD Treatment, and Dialectical Behavior Therapy by clicking here.